Posted by: Jon Pyle | June 29, 2007

A Guide to Recognizing Your Bloggers: Burnsy

burnsy.jpg 

Sometime during the Hot Blogger Bracket, I crossed paths with a man they called Burnsy. He was already appealing because he came with a built-in nickname and that’s a tremendous plus for me. I can’t spend a lot of my important time thinking up nicknames for people.

Burnsy’s blog is called Blumpkins For All.  I think there’s a joke somewhere in there, but I can’t find it. Either way, Burnsy was kind enough to agree to an interview.

Prepare a customized list that you’d like to share with the world.

I have to pick something meaningful. I guess I’ll go with something a tad unoriginal, but what matters most to me – female celebrities I’d chew an appendage off for one go at:
 
5) Keira Knightley
4) Carrie Underwood
3) Sienna Miller 
2) Scarlett Johansson
1) Adriana Lima

Propose a fight for Fracas Friday.

Michael Vick vs. his kennel.

3 best games you’ve ever watched (in person or on TV).
 
I’ve never been to a sporting event that made me think, “Now that is something I’ll always remember,” other than the very first Heat, Marlins and Florida Panthers games. So I choose viewed:

3) 2005 Sheraton Hawaii Bowl – UCF loses to Nevada by a missed XP in 3 OT. Broke my heart, but it was an incredible comeback by my alma mater (UCF) only a season after we went winless.
2) Game 7 2006 NLCS – Yadi’s homer and the “Frozen Beltran” – Gave me material to use against my Mets friends for years to come.
1) Game 5 2006 World Series – I don’t care what anyone says about how boring it was or Detroit’s pitchers literally tossing the game. It felt great to call my dad and say, “That’s a winner.”
 

Any suggestions for a future interview?
 
Ever since we faced off in the Ladies… Hot Blogger tourney I’ve been enjoying J-Fizzle and his buddies over at It’s Still Football. I love Arena ball. Vastly underrated.
 

What 4 celebrities or athletes do you want in your posse? Whose posse would you like to be in?

My posse: George Clooney, D-Wade, Paul Rudd, Rick Ankiel – Four guys who would be chill, party just the right amount and probably bring in every hot girl on the planet.
 
Posse I’d like to be in: Laurence Maroney – Someone has to figure out what the hell “construda” is.

What teams do you follow? Sports?

MLB: Cardinals
NBA: Heat, Magic
NFL: Dolphins, Rams
NHL: After four years off, I’m taking the Blues back this season. I miss them and they need me.
NCAA: UCF, Mizzou
 
What is your greatest athletic achievement?

I played baseball for 13 years, occasionally alongside guys who have been drafted and some called up to the Majors. But after my high school coach told me my freshman year I would need to take steroids to play for him, it felt good just to finish up in my senior league and pitch for the first time ever and strike out five of the nine batters I faced. That and when I nailed one of our league coach’s daughters behind the outfield fence at our league park. I miss high school. 

Why do you blog?

I like to entertain. Blumpkins For All will never be as well known as Deadspin or KSK but knowing I make a few people laugh each day while they’re stuck next to a fat stinky guy in their cubicle is good enough for me.
 

I love the History of Blogging. Where did the idea come from? How long does it take to write that?

I got the idea where most good writers get their ideas – a night soaked with Three Olives vodka and Red Bull. I was out with some friends and one buddy cornered me and bitched nonstop for an hour about my annoying MySpace bulletins about people voting for me in the Ladies… Hot Blogger Tourney (three cheers for the Sweet 16!). I finally asked him what his point was and he told me he just didn’t understand blogging and that he’d never read a single one of my blogs. So I thought, “How fun would it be to create this amazingly accurate yet blatantly absurd history for blogging?” Voila. It sounded simple at the time, too, but I’m a history buff and when I was going over this elaborate timeline I started to realize how much fun stuff there was. Each part takes me about two hours – one for the research, one for actual writing – and a half pack of Parliament Lights.
 
You write outside the blog world. How does blogging relate to your writing gig?

I went to college to write films. So by nature I’m very good at making things up and creating fake dialogue. However, I get writer’s block like Paris Hilton gets lesions. The blogging helps me keep an open channel of creative flow. My blog is actually an extension of a column that I wrote when I was running my college newspaper. I carried it over to MySpace when I left the paper because I had established a small following of new friends. I just recently started the Blogspot posts. But mainly the blogging lets me distract myself. When I’m working on my book, which is humor and non-fiction, I need to be able to hop on Drudge Report, pick an absurd story and run with it then go back to writing about life lessons.
 

What do you want your blog to be known for? What do you personally want to be known for?

My friends think that I embraced my writing style as a means of pushing buttons. I don’t care about that. I want to make people like me feel better about themselves by laughing at the imperfections of the famous. It’s an awfully magnanimous thing for me to desire, but what the hell. I want to personally be known for being the guy who made Scarlett Johansson settle down.

Do you want to do this for a living?

I want to write. There’s nothing I’d rather do, and with as much competition as there is in the market I have to make due with whatever medium I can. I know I’ll never go back to newspaper journalism. But if I could sit at my computer and write all day in my boxers with a Corona and my pooch by my side and earn a paycheck for it? Let’s just say I wouldn’t kick it out of bed. More than anything I’d like to start a little group and get something innovative going. There’s always another step to be taken and someone with a dollar willing to pay it.

Thoughts on the present and the future for the blogosphere. How does it fit with the mainstream media?

I think it pisses off mainstream media and I love it. The only problem is that mainstream media has the power to destroy it. And it’s already happening. Every yahoo newspaper website and all of the major sports outlets have their “blogs.” But they’re not blogs. They’re columns with editorial limitations. A blog should be a person’s unrestricted feelings. We’ll probably never see another pre-ESPN Bill Simmons, or maybe even another Will Leitch. But I hope that all the talent goes to the right places. There’s too much in here. 

You seem to be moderately well connected in the blogosphere. How did you meet some of the other folks?

I’m a party crasher. Until January I had never heard of any of these sites. My buddy was sending me e-mails with links to Kissing Suzy Kolber everyday and I checked maybe one out of five. I don’t remember which one it was, but one of their posts floored me and hooked me so I was on there daily and I started commenting with no regard for the possibility that this was a quaint little family of blogger friends. I just started conversations through witty one-liners and that was the beginning. I still feel like a nobody, because there’s so much camaraderie and I have crazy respect for the guys and gals who run their own blogs. I can’t even imagine, though, how much time I’d have wasted at work and home if I had been posting and commenting this much a year ago.

How did you find Deadspin?

Same way. My friend told me to check it out and I was apprehensive. I’m very weird about reading other people’s stuff because I don’t want it to subconsciously influence my own jokes and have someone call me a rip-off. But then I read that Will was a fellow St. Louis guy so I read out of loyalty, not knowing that I was a mere peasant in the Kingdom of Deadspin.

What piece of writing from your blog are you most proud of? Which is the most popular?

Wow, I actually have to go back and look this up. I’m my own worst critic. Very rarely do I make myself laugh. The blog I’m most proud of, I guess, would be the current History of Blogging series just because I’ve actually had to learn history all over again. Hell, if I could have written this thing in high school I probably would have done better in AP History. But mainly it’s inspired me to take a whole different approach to my blogging style by making something that stands out, as opposed to my daily cornucopia of clusterfuck. The most popular blogs I do are my “open letters.” I did one open letter that stands out. My buddy Clark hosts a Christmas party every year and our group of friends treats it like the ultimate VIP. I set a standard two years ago by making a date application and having girls audition to be my date. This past year I upped the standard. I wrote an open letter to Kelly Clarkson as a joke, asking my friends to also write her letters telling her to be my date for this party. As I didn’t expect them to do it, they did. Obviously Kelly didn’t go to the party with me, nor did I ever receive a response. However, I was happy enough later finding out that her manager had a copy of my letter and actually presented it to her. Just knowing my simple joke made it to the celebrity was enough for me. I think the dumbest thing in pop culture is the celebrity blog in which they write serious advice letters to other celebrities. Unreal. I get my best responses from pop culture. That’s the only reason why I don’t just write sports like I’d like to. I don’t respond well to compliments because I’d rather give them. But the best thing I’ve been told was a girl who said it was like reading AP style with NC17 vulgarity. That might go on my tombstone.
 
 

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Responses

  1. That was fun. I tip my hat to you fine gentlemen.

  2. “I can’t spend a lot of my important time thinking up nicknames for people.”

    And that, my friend, is why you’ll never be President of the USA.

  3. Also, Burnsy – someone will call you a rip-off no matter what you do. I wrote a piece comparing Kevin Durant to John Coltrane last night and someone blasted me for not citing Free Darko. OK, I guess only one site on the internet is allowed to compare music to sports now?

  4. Trust me, I know. Let’s just say I’ve been ripped off plenty and even once by a current ESPN columnist, so nothing shocks me.

  5. Off-ripping mothertruckers. I hate that.


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