As last night proved, any blogger with a computer can live-blog the NBA draft. But we at Pyle of List are taking it to the next level with the help of a surprising benefactor. Moved by my tirade yesterday, Kobe invited me over to his house this morning to prove that I shouldn’t be tired of hearing about him yet. I asked him for an interview and he said no because I wasn’t in his “circle of trust”. Then I asked him if I could live-blog instead and he responded with “Uh, sure man. Just not in the wife’s bathroom or a place that the kids might go. I don’t mind if people like to get their freak on.” I was fairly sure he didn’t know what live-blogging was but I agreed to comply nonetheless. So, I drove down to the OC with my trusty laptop to record the post-draft day experience with Kobe.
Sorry my first post is so late but things were hectic.
11:15am- It took me about an hour to actually be let into his compound. I finally just told them that I had a message from Michael Jordan and they promptly waved me in. Once I passed an extensive security check, I finally got to Kobe.
KB: “Did you check for cameras?”
Security Guard 1: “Yes, sir.”
KB: “No, I mean really check that s**t. They can put a video camera on anything, even a regular picture-taking camera. KB24 won’t be played a fool!”
12:56pm- After going through Kobe’s strenuous personal camera check odyssey (and we’ll never speak of it again) I finally sat down with Kobe in his office. I could see his homepage was open to ESPN’s Trade Machine.
KB: “I’ve just been trying to work some s**t through, dog. I’ve been doing this all morning. Kupcake is trying to act like this hard. ‘There are lot of complexities and nuances to the job’ my ass. Look at the team I traded for this morning. I should be the f***in’ GM too.”
I looked at his computer screen and saw a team of Kobe, Jason Kidd, Jermaine O’Neal, Kevin Garnett and Baron Davis. Written on the computer screen with a whiteboard marker were Jerry West- GM and Mike Krzyzewski – Head coach . For some reason the Lakers had been moved to the Eastern Conference as well.
KB: “I even was able to trade the team to the Eastern Conference without leaving LA. Let’s see Buss do that.”
I decided to just leave that alone and move on to last night’s draft.
JP: Kobe, did you watch the draft last night?
KB: “No, but Kupcake will be calling in a few minutes to update me on what happened. They promised me… What the f**k was that?”
JP: I didn’t hear or see anything…
Kobe then pulled a samurai sword from underneath his desk and began wildly swinging at a fly and the air conditioning vent, nearly decapitating me in the process.
KB: “Record this!”
As you can imagine I’m a bit shaken up. I’ll be back in a few. Kobe is going to let me have one of his wife’s Lunchables.
3:35- Apparently I fell asleep after lunch and took a bit of a nap on Kobe’s enormous couch. He took the liberty of dressing me in Michael Jordan pajamas so I literally have no idea where my clothes are. After rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I noticed that Kobe was meditating on the floor with his sword. Which taken by itself is not odd, per se, but he was naked.
Suddenly he sprang at me, for lack of a better term, like a Black Mamba.
KB: “This is Hattori Hanzo steel!”
He must’ve noticed the fear in my eyes.
KB: “Just playin’, man. But I love that movie. But you knew that, didn’t you?”
JP: What do you mean?
KB: “I saw what you did on your site, photoshopping my head onto a woman’s body. You think I’m a sucka? You think you can disrespect me like that?”
JP: It was Lunchbox’s idea. He did all the photoshopping. I told him not to do it, but he wouldn’t listen.
KB: “Alright, we’re cool then.” (pounds fists with me) “But Buss does look just like the dude from Seinfeld.”
Anxious to move on, I ask him With Malice’s question.
JP: I’ve got a question from a reader: Margerine or butter?
KB: “I said no interviews but that question is too good to resist. Butter, because it’s most like my game: smooth and tasty. Oh damn, that was good. I’m gonna call a butter company and do an endorsement for them.”
Kobe picks up his yellow KB24 I-phone and grabs a phone book to find a butter company.
KB: “I got 46 voicemails. (listens) It’s Jim Grey…. and Ric Bucher. Over and over again. Those two would lick my balls if I asked ’em to, but I haven’t and I don’t think I will, but you never know. Here’s some s**t to write down on your computer: keep people around that you know will lick your balls if you want them to because you never know. (awkward pause) I’m tired of waiting on Kupcake. C’mon, I take all my calls in my War Room.”
KB leads me upstairs to the “War Room”. Basically, it’s Panic Room on the outside and a shrine to Michael Jordan within. It’s sparsely decorated with a desk, a lamp, one phone and one computer. He has a machine gun with a rocket launcher mounted on the wall next to a host of security cameras. (He sniffs a pair of Air Jordans)
KB: “MJ inspires me.”
KB: “It’s ringing, I’ll put Kupcake on speaker.”
Mitch Kupchak: “Kobe, my main man. My bro, what’s up?”
KB: “Tell me about the draft last night, Kupcake. When will KG be here?”
MK (meekly): “Well, Kobe, my man, my broham… it’s gonna be just a little longer before KG gets here. The time wasn’t right last night.”
KB: “I will not be played a fool Kupcake! You said he was coming.”
MK: “He’s still coming, KB. It’ll just be a little longer.”
KB: (breathes deeply and speaks to himself) “Alright, Kobes, calm down. Remember, what would Jordan do? (exhales) OK, who did we trade for then?”
MK: “Well, we acquired Gasol…”
KB: “OK, OK. That’s a start. Movin’ in the right direction, Kupcake. I don’t care for his beard or his smell, but Jerry West likes him down there in Memphis so Pau’s golden with me. In fact, I just made up a nickname for him: Kung Pau Gasol. That’s catchy. That’ll play well in the sticks.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that they actually drafted Marc Gasol and not Pau.
MK: (quickly changing the subject) “Speaking of Kung Pao, we also acquired the Chinese guy.”
KB: “Hmmm, you mean Yi? I saw him working out on ESPN but I’m not sold. At least he has a lot of hype. That’s good. Chinese people in the seats. Chinese people love KB24. Plus, I heard Minnesota liked him too, so he’ll be good trade bait for KG. Maybe you’re not as much of an idiot as I thought, Kupcake.”
This is not going to end well.
MK: (nervous laughter) “Glad we have your approval.”
KB: “What about the last pick?”
MK: “Oh, nobody really. In fact, let’s just mo-”
KB: (cuts him off) “Who is it?”
MK: (mumbling and trailing off) “Javaris Crittenton.”
KB: “Who? Speak up.”
MK: “Javaris Crittenton.”
KB: “What?!?! We drafted the guy that wrote Jurassic Park???”
6pm- After the abrupt end to the Kupchak conversation, Kobe spent the rest of the afternoon brooding on his window seat. I mean, hardcore, stone-faced brooding. The kind that made him famous.
Then Mrs. Bryant came home.
Mrs. Bryant: “Like, babe, how was your day?”
KB: “Vanessa, I can’t be hearin’ that valley girl s**t right now so go to your room.”
Mrs. Bryant: “As if! (stomps us stairs) This time I totally want a divorce! My Daddy is coming to talk to you!” (throws gigantic pink diamond ring at Kobe and slams the door to her bedroom)
Just as Fall Out Boy started playing loudly in her room, Vanessa’s Dad pops out of a closet brandishing a shotgun.
Vanessa’s Dad: “You better stay married to my daughter, you sunnava b***h… remember our ‘agreement’!” (cocks gun)
KB: (backing away) “She’s the one that brought it up, old man. JP, get away from that computer and help me talk some sense into this man.”
7:04- Kobe just threw me into his basement. It’s pitch black and I have no idea what’s going on. I’ll be back when I get back to the light. Hopefully.